One more thought before I go...

Ok, here's another example of how we fuck our kids up...

Here's an excerpt from an article someone sent me from Kidshealth.Org ("Bullying and Your Child")


The key to helping your child deal with bullying is to help him or her regain a sense of dignity and recover damaged self-esteem. To help ward off bullies, give your child these tips:

* Hold the anger. It's natural to want to get really upset with a bully, but that's exactly the response the bully is aiming for. Not only will getting angry or violent not solve the problem, it will only make it worse. Bullies want to know they have control over your child's emotions. Each time they get a reaction from your child, it adds fuel to the bully's fire — getting angry just makes the bully feel more powerful.
* Never get physical or bully back. Emphasize that your child should never use physical force (like kicking, hitting, or pushing) to deal with a bully. Not only does that show anger, but your child can never be sure what the bully will do in response. Tell your child that it's best to hang out with others, stay safe, and get help from an adult.
* Act brave, walk away, and ignore the bully. Tell your child to look the bully in the eye and say something like, "I want you to stop right now." Counsel your child to then walk away and ignore any further taunts. Encourage your child to "walk tall" and hold his or her head up high (using this type of body language sends a message that your child isn't vulnerable). Bullies thrive on the reaction they get, and by walking away, or ignoring hurtful emails or instant messages, your child will be telling the bully that he or she just doesn't care. Sooner or later, the bully will probably get bored with trying to bother your child.

This article deals with a bunch of different types of bullying. The above advice is given for all types of bullying. I'm just going to deal with one--physical. I think the above advice is shit if your child is being pushed around and beat up. (I won't say a word about the other types of bullying...I've got no experience.) Complete shit. There will be no regaining dignity nor protection of self-esteem with the above method. Think on it for a moment. If you were ever bullied physically and you walked away and stood tall, you probably got shoved from behind, smacked in the head, spit at, called a pussy. If you still walked away, I GUARANTEE that that act--the walking away--still haunts you. And it will haunt your child too.

Here's Al's advice for dealing with physical bullying and bullies:
1) Pay attention and make sure your kid isn't a little asshole bully him or herself. If he/she is...DEAL with it.
2) Teach your child to defend him/her self. (Notice, I said DEFEND. I'm not condoning offensive behaviour--though it can be fun.)
3) Teach him or her (your child) to assess situations and the level of the bullying. Verbal bullying is hurtful, but it is far less serious than physical bullying. If your child is verbally bullied, have him/her say something like "The show's over tough guy, I'm walking away." (Forget the language and get the idea...) The idea is to show the bully that his/her verbal garbage is not respected/feared and is seen as stupid and irrelevant. Furthermore, the goal is to say "it takes two to tango, and I don't want to dance."
4) If the bullying escalates to physical: well, first be pre-emptive. Teach your child to fight. (Yes, teach your child to fight.) And do it before a problem happens. I don't simply mean that he/she should just learn karate (though this is good for a variety of reasons). I mean teach him or her how to fight to win and to understand fighting. Here's another crazy suggestion: practice a little role playing in a safe environment...at home. Here's what I mean. Teach your child (and stress this) to never strike first and never instigate a fight. Have them learn this motto though "I won't start a fight, but I'll sure as fuck finish one." {Disclaimor: Now let me be clear here. Part of the learning should be understanding situations. If there are weapons involved or bullies who might be armed / have gangs behind them...all this means nothing. Have him/her run away and seek help. What I'm referring to is the very common punching and shoving of the schoolyard bully. I am not talking about gang violence and armed attackers here.} Here are some scenarios that your child can learn and begin to understand:
A) Bully escalates to a shove. Do This: Have your child show no fear and do stand tall. Have your child say "I'm walking away. Don't touch me again." Have your child be very firm and look asshole other kid in eye. Have your child hold the look and wait a moment before walking away. PRACTICE THIS (simulate the shove). Then he/she walks away. Have your child report the situation to teacher or other. (Yes, they'll look like a tattle tale, but they will also have a record of the bullying if things escalate and he/she must act...see B.)
B) Bully punches your child. Do This: Have your child punch the bully in the face. (Do not talk, do not wait for any further provocation.) Aim for the nose. Even big people get very fucked up when punched in the nose. (Often bullies are bigger.) A punch to the nose disorients, causes blurred and watery vision, hurts like a motherfucker. And face punching is frightening, hurtful, ballsy and serious as a heart attack. A punch to the arm/chest in a boxing match has a purpose. On the playground it communicates, "I'm not too serious and I don't want to be here." {Note: Your child should know how to throw straight, hard punches in combination. No need to learn terms and types: jabs, hooks, uppercuts etc. Just have him/her throw straight hard punches, right then left then right etc. This is easy to practice. No wild hay-makers, no dazzling specialty shots, just straight punches out from the chin area with some body pivot behind them and then fist straight back to a protective position. Again, easy to practice and learn.} Your child should seek to hit the bully with three or four very hard face shots. If he falls down and cover, keep striking for three to four good shots. If he/she is fighting back, just keep striking (and strike until you get pulled apart / pulled off).



You want your child to be safe and you want to protect his or her self-esteem. Even if your child loses that fight, getting beat up in the schoolyard won't kill him/her. (And it will probably teach him/her a lot.) Your child will feel like he acted, did something. "Yeah, I lost, but I got a few licks in and showed that asshole that I won't just role over and give up my belly." But it is even more likely that your child will win. Landing the first real punch--a face shot--is usually the determining factor in a schoolyard fight. and if your child keeps punching...
Plus, the bully will go pick on someone else next time. If the bully knows he/she must take a few good hard shots when he/she fucks with your child, he'll go elsewhere. (Such is the psychology of the bully.)